HALLOWEEN AT BAR FLY

Before The Party Begins..

It was a supposed to be a quiet Saturday. Have not any plans in store for this weekend, so I decided to just played it by the ear.

Celebrated belated birthday with WY - the usual stuffs - the movie, the dinner.. (no noo.. we are not lesbians. This is a straight-girls-usual-day-out) we don't have time for coffee, we went straight to BarFly, after a few phone calls to our usual booze party gang.

The staff dressed up as doctors and nurses for the Halloween celebration. I told one of the waiters there, if a doctor comes in here, he is going to be bloody insulted.

They have free pap smear tests, breasts examiner doctors, helpful gynaecologists.. just to name a few. Creative perverts.

All in all, it was quite an enjoyable night out, with me, tending our own private mini watering hole in a little corner of the bar.


The Guns And Roses

P/S I am the one holding the camera.

YOU'RE FIRED

You're Fired!

Disclaimer: This is a bad mouthing post. For those who do not approve of such post, please don’t read. It might disturb the emotions of certain people. Should the story here coincide with any persons in real life, please accept my humble apology. THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

My ex boss, “I have no choice but to ask for your resignation letter. Please clear whatever that is outstanding, take one month salary and leave.”

McD couldn’t maintain her composure and cried. After a few seconds, she retorted, “I have been waiting for so long for you to say that!”

My ex boss, who is hypertensive. almost stopped breathing and died of cardiac arrest.

Talking about having a psycho as a colleague.

She joined my ex company last year May. Her nick derived out of her arch eyebrows which resembles the arch of the ever famous fast food chain, McD. She has the habit of drawing her eyebrows in the office toilet to perfect symmetrical arch (exactly like the golden arch) every time she visits the toilet. She would then frantically “combed” her hair with her fingers (more like pulling her hair) till dozens of strands of hair fell on the sink in the toilet and she couldn’t be bothered cleaning it up.

She was a terror to fellow colleagues not only because of her disgusting and queer hygiene behavior. Lack of responsibility, inconsiderate, rude, aloof, lack of discipline.... are some of the reasons she was sacked. And it is amazing that it took my ex boss a year and a half to do just that.

She has this weird habit of walking around in the office with a paper bag. Some of you might find this amusing, but we feared for the worst. She might have a knife in it and would go on a rampage if we provoked her.

She likes to drink tea. And usually, after her tea drinking sessions, she would keep the soaked leaves and munch on them. I hope tea has calming effect.

Once I brought food from home. After unloading all my containers on the pantry table, I left the paper bag in the pantry. The paper bag disappeared immediately before lunch. I was furious.

One fine Saturday (off day) when some of us went back to office to clear our workload, we did the unspeakable. We inspected her drawer as we suspected that our stationery were stolen by her. She was the only new colleague at that point of time. We have yet to experience such problems before she came.

To our horror, we found everyone’s stationery in her drawer, together with four empty dirty cups (the tea lady was puzzled over missing cups for the past few weeks) and my paper bag!

I don’t know what has become of her. She seemed to have unresolved issues with men as she said all men are bastards. (I agreed with her for once, though not entirely. Most men are bastards)

We regretted for not having to get to know about her past which caused these (the eyebrows, the hair pulling, the tea leaves munching, paper bag fetish, stealing, keeping dirty cups in drawers, etc) and offered help. We prayed that she would be fine after causing such ordeal to other people. We hope she would find a man who would make her happy.

We hope not to bump into her on the streets.

Update: Well, the job that would guarantee me an apartment and RAV 4 had just flown off the window. I liken it as a deep sea fishing adventure. The swordfish just got away.

BOOZE PARTY AT GOLDEN CITY

Well, there is nothing much to talk about. Just the usual antics you may find from pissed drunk people having fun.

We had a bash – four bottles of red wine, 1/3 of Martini, 1 1/2 bottles of cockroach-smelling Tequinno (not Tequilla, mind you) and 1/3 of Chivas.

Shien and I tried our best to blend our own cocktails using WY’s borrowed blender from her mom, with lime, water melon, Mirinda Green Apple, Pepsi Lemon, bak kut teh… somehow, we just couldn’t get rid of the foul smell of the cockroach-smelling Tequinno. We ended up throwing the entire 1 ½ bottles down the drain – of coz, not till the two of us tortured the rest of the gang to taste the concoctions. Actually, the cockroach Tequinno with lime and water melon is not that bad.

YY said this party reminds her of Children’s Day where parents cooked some food for their children to bring to school to share with their friends. How cute.

My mom made some popiah while Yabba’s mom made yam cake (both are Malaysian-Chinese famous savory) for the small party. Yabba’s mom also made us some delicious cup cakes. We ordered the famous Bak Kut Teh from the stall near our apartment. (Chinese herbal soup in claypot with pork and its innards).


Popiah's fillings


Cup Cakes (Fatt Kou)


Yam Cake

It went on well with some of the friends uncontrollably flirting with each other, which I think it is prudent to spare the details to avoid embarrassment. See what alcohol might do to your judgement.

I think this one conversation was the only sane conversation we had throughout the night. The rest were all gibberish and non-sensical.

Self: Is there a woman you know, who can have sex like Samantha Jones? (Meaning: Like a man)

WY: You mean, no string attached? No emotions involved? I don’t think so!

Shien, the Table Cloth a.k.a. my hair stylist: Why not?

WY: I believe women in Asia are much more preserved and conventional if to be compared to the Westerners.

Self: You obviously haven’t read the Invisible Trade by Gerrie Lim.

WY: What’s that??

Self: Never mind.

Shien: There are two types of people who have sex.

1. They have sex for certain reasons.
2. They have sex for no reason at all.

Those people who have sex for no reason at all are called sluts.

I hope this answer your question, Gina.

Self: Hhmph. Must we have a reason to have sex?

WY: I still cannot think of any woman would have sex without emotion involved. I don’t think I can do it.

That’s all I have to say about the Booze Party. (Try saying it with the famous Forrest Gump’s slang: That’s all I have to say about the Vietnam War).


The Booze - Uncorked

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO WY! Many happy returns. May you find your knight in shining armour soon!

CUT AT FIRST SIGHT

Fancy a Hair Cut?

When I told Shien, the Table Cloth, on what I am going to do today, -(gym, facial then hair cut), he genuinely offered to give me a haircut, for free.

For now, Shien is a salesman, selling some lubricants to manufacturing firms, I think.

He was the Monk’s English tuition teacher when we were back in secondary school. I didn’t know him then. (So you could guess how old is he now? Younger than antique, definitely)

Then, he meddled with the hair styling job for a couple of years. A few years before that, I don’t know what he did. He lived briefly in America once. If you tell me, he is one complicated fella, nevertheless interesting. Guess living different sets of lives or to put it in a nicer way, sampling lives to the fullest, made you rich in your spirit and soul.

He is the latest addition to the Ritual Friday’s supper gang. (Supper gang had not been having suppers due to the rainy weather).

When Shien set his eyes on me for the first time a couple of months ago, during supper with the gang, he felt a strong urge to cut my hair as he couldn’t stand women not having basic grooming ethics. Well, this is me, the slob.

I have this bad habit of not combing my hair properly when I go out. I loathed the fact that women need to make up before going out and spending tonnes of money and time painting their faces, getting manicures and pedicures, etc.

It was a hilarious moment that we sat in the balcony this afternoon, and he brought along all his hair styling kit, complete with aluminium foil for the highlight, and some potion to ensure that my hair is dyed properly. My hair has strong resistance towards color. See, not my fault, even my hair is genetically programmed to resist improvement.

Praying hard that I don’t look like an ex convict, (he told me to stop complaining and leave everything to him – I left everything to God), I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. It is nice. Short, stylist and it’s highlighted in red.

I can’t wait to show it to my booze party friends tomorrow!

Booze Party For Ten

GYM BUDDY BLACKED OUT ON ME

Yesterday, after a long absence, my gym buddy, Wang Loi decided to show up. I persuaded her to go for classes instead of the mediocre cardio-machines.

When we were doing the final stretches on the steps in Body Step Beginner Class, she went off-balance and had to lean on the wall to regain her composure. I giggled and dismissed it as having two left feet.

I didn’t know she actually saw stars and blacked out for a few mere seconds. I was too busy monitoring my own steps and stretches.

The instructor told her to go out for some fresh air.

When I went out to check on her after class, her face was as pale as ghost's. I was worried shitless.

I think everyone has a silent killer in their bodies. Hypertension is one of them. My doctor once told me that I am lucky enough to have symptoms like headaches and dizziness to tell me there is something wrong with me. Some people are not that lucky.

This friend I know in the USA, was happily chatting with her friends over a cup of tea when she fell flat on her face due to blockage of arteries. The irony is, she is a nurse. It was a lucky thing that she blacked out while being with her friends. Imagine fainting in her house, where she stays alone. Probably her neighbors would find out only when there is a stench of decomposing body from her house.

I urge everyone to take medical check ups on regular basis. Living a healthy lifestyle, eat moderately (Healthy does not mean living on leaves, fruits and taufoo alone!), don’t smoke too much (if can, quit), don’t drink too much (if can, quit), sleep well, etc.

Sigh. I think I have to forgo my booze party this Sunday.

POST MORTEM: PORT DICKSON

Not everyone puked. Not everyone pissed drunk. Not everyone shagged. Uhm… nobody shagged.

It was more like a trip of the gluttons than the alcoholics.

With a small party of five, we were thinking that it wouldn’t be a wild party. It wasn’t. Yet, it was a blast. It was like a small gathering for old time sake. It felt as if we have known each other for ages when we merely got to know the guys within this year.

The Plot: Party of Five

YY – My room mate for two months while I was in TAR College. She shifted NOT because she couldn’t stand me! She accepted an offer in a local university. I knew her for 6 years now.

WY – College buddy while doing ICSA, also 6 years.

CK – I got to know him this year May through YY.

Shien, the Table Cloth (Stories later) – I got to know him in 3 suppers with the supper gang.

Self, the mulut celupar (Malay: the big mouth)

CK tried to sabotage this outing by asking us to drive there ourselves as he had to fetch his aunt. Nice try. Nothing would stop us from making him pissed drunk!

Act I: Shopping in Giant Hypermarket in Puchong

Self: Do you notice a traffic light in the shopping mall?

Three of them: Where??

YY wore a red top, self – yellow and Shien – green.

We looked like a walking traffic light.

Bought cheap tequilla. Totally oblivious about past experiences.

Act II: On the way to Port Dickson

Self: Ladies and Gentlemen, fasten your seatbelt.

I tried my best not to utter profanities while driving but was in vain. I think generally, Malaysians cannot control their temper while they are driving.

Act III: Water sports in Port Dickson

We tried on the banana boat despite the anticipated bruises and scratches. Shien got clawed on his legs when he fell on me when the boat capsized. YY ended with her cheekbones being elbowed and WY said she grabbed someone’s legs real hard when she fell. I wasn’t bruised at all. Must be the extra padding of fat deposits on my body that saved me. See – it is good to be fat at times.

One piece of advice: If you plan to try on the banana boat, please trim your finger nails.

The evening ended prematurely with our reluctance to pay RM80 for half hour of jetskiing. We went to Seremban for dinner.


Port Dickson Sunset


Carefree Weekend

Act IV: Booze session (Most anticipated)

The worst nightmare for an alcoholic is, forgetting to bring the corkscrew. We did just that. CK was a bit pissed off, being not in control of situation. We tried to use chopsticks to push the cork inside. Then, a Swiss army manicure set to extract the cork… Come to think of it, we looked saling tak tumpah (Malay: exactly) like a bunch of apes fiddling with a bottle.


The Prep


The Booze

In the end, YY, Shien and myself went to the karaoke lounge with the two bottles. The bartender was a nice chap. Shien would have had finished the entire bottle of wine while taking the 5 minutes walk back to the apartment if we didn’t stop him.

After a couple of beers, 2 bottles of wine, 1/8 of vodka, 1/6 of Dewar Whiskey, and 1/4 of cheap tequilla, everyone was a bit tipsy. Shien and I started puffing away (ciggies). And everyone started talking cock. Heck, we also talked cock when we were sober. The pail prepared to accumulate our puke was used as a rubbish bin instead. We didn’t drink much coz the Tequilla tasted like kerosene.

It was a night of laughing banshees. We were one bunch of happy drunks.

Act V: Meet the Parent

The next morning, CK really went to church with YY. We were too sleepy to bother. They came back to the apartment to get us for lunch with CK’s mom. Meeting the Mother is not in our itinerary. The three of us tried to sneak out of the apartment while both of them were catching up with some winks of sleep after church.

We tried but, due to procrastination and WY spending too much time in the bathroom (women!), we were unable to escape. Just kidding.

Had lunch at PD Royal Yatch Club. We were dumbfounded when the Mother asked us how we met her son? Are we colleagues? No. Are we college mates? No. We met through some other friends? Not really. We looked suspicious. She looked worried.

We dared not tell her that YY met her son through the internet. You know, old fashioned mothers. Everyone we met through the internet is deemed evil. Mothers will always be mothers.

The Mother briefed us about the slow-paced life in PD, her dismay over her son’s infrequent returns to home, the cost to raise a kid in PD, confinement ladies, importance of being hardworking, bursting our dream bubbles of being single and care free forever, men are supposed to bring the bread home, women are supposed to take care of home, etc etc.

We were in our best behavior and nodded in unison whenever she made a statement. It was like a prim and proper Royal English family lunch with the Queen Mother. She meant well though. CK should be grateful to have a mom who loves him very much. Surprisingly, Shien performed really well when it comes to meeting the parents.

I felt extremely restless; keeping my bloody mouth shut to avoid saying something stupid/obscene throughout lunch. In the end, I couldn’t help it and blurted in front of the Mother – Shien wore a shirt with the same pink shade as the table cloth. Everyone laughed uneasily while Shien glared at me in disbelief.

Act VI: To the Light House

The Lighthouse


CK decided to torture us for overly siding the Mother during lunch. He took us to the Light House in Tanjung Tuan, Melaka and forced us on a 15-minutes of hot, sweaty and smelly uphill climb. The view at the light house was breath-taking though. Shien said the venue reminded him of a Hong Kong series where a greedy brother murdered his own flesh and blood by pushing him down the hill slope over the father’s inheritance. He flashed an evil grin at me. Probably he was describing his own intention of pushing me over the cliff after I pandai-pandai (Malay: Cleverly) pulled such stunt (the table cloth incident) in front of the Mother.


Long Treacherous Road


View from the Top


View From the Top II

Act VII: The Dinner

We stayed in PD till dinner time as we wanted to throw Shien a birthday surprise. It was another crab (as in the crustaceans) dinner in Lukut.


The Birthday Cake: Butter Bun With Chicken Curry

Conclusion:

It was a good trip. Similar to my trips to Port Dickson with my other glutton friends, we have only 7 things in our itinerary.

1. Eat
2. Booze
3. Sleep
4. Eat
5. Booze
6. Sleep
7. Eat

This trip? We did the extra: some rough water sports, meeting the parent, forced sight seeing and amusing color coordination of clothes.

Note to Self: Remember the corkscrew.

Other post mortem series:

The Great Expectation, The First Night, Attack of the Jelly Fish, Return of the Gang,
Organic Horror of the Seven Spinsters

PARTY OF FIVE

That's the Spirit!

Numerous e-mails exchanged between the booze party organizing committee earlier today, as though we are planning to welcome the aliens in a style ala Independence Day, the movie.

[This is a condensed format for easy (confusing) reading]

Blue – CK
Fuchsia– YY
Yellow - WY
As it is- Gina

List of PIC (Person In Charge)

Accommodation: CK

Good day all. I have already booked a 2-room apartment at "XYZ Resort" directly facing the sea.

Ada swimming pool?

Yes, there is swimming pool. What the fish balls you want to go to the pool when you can swim in the sea??

is the swimming pool well maintained????

People from PD know we can’t swim in the sea. Only tourists do. The damn sea is so damn dirty. you sure you are from PD???

yeah, the price of body shampoo has gone up, dun wan to use up the whole bottle of 400ml body shampoo after swimming in the sea. would rather to build sand castle than swimming..

Halo, the sea water there is still swimmable lah.....

Peter finally re-appeared and he told me that he would TRY to make it.

Confirmed coming: CK, YY, WY, Gina, Shien (75%)

WY said she will try to get her colleague (guy) to go.

here are the suggested shopping list: (costs to be shared)

24 cans of tiger beer
24 bottles of mineral water
One bottle of liquor - your choice (Tequilla/Vodka/Jack Daniels)
some snacks

complementary:

3 bottles of red wine (on me)

Good to hear more people are turning up. Ok now...!!!! Let me go through the list, and correct if there is any amendments.

oooii...slow down, i'm lost...

Drinks: Gina/Shien

So you ppl still want beer? or we go for hard liquor? tequilla straight up?

Beer is up to u all, as I won't be drinking much.

ok lah. Let me and the drunken master, shien decide on this.

Gina, beer is so damn high in calories... somemore, 2 cans of beer, can end my day liao. I am sponsoring ¾ bottle of Martini.

Ok set! uhm..on second thought, Shien might finish the vodka before we reach PD

Gina, after buying the liquor, please pass it to us and let us bring it to PD...

You'd better hold him down before he finishes it. Please don't HOLD the wrong thing down.

Can the thing stand when someone’s drunk? :p

Transport: Yet to confirm

CK or YY to drive. I will get Peter to drive if he cums... err.. comes..

how if u tak jadi make him cums???

Gina never disappoints..

I will depart KL to PD at 1pm. Those who wish to go there earlier can hop into my car.

Probably the girls will follow you first, while I wait for the two men.

Ck, I will follow you... WY, wat bout u? Gina, can i choose not to drive? plzzzz

you are not driving what. i said CK or YY. so either one of you will fetch the other.

I am trying to get Peter to go by enticing him with propositions from the karma sutra. see what great lengths I would go for you, KOK YY. sigh.

Gina, u r my pal lar... but i didn't ask you to go to that extend wor... So, anything happens to Peter, you "gao dim" (Cantonese: handle?) him, ya? no eye see

BBQ/FOOD/Snacks: WY & YY

WY said doing BBQ is so damn mah fan. (Cantonese: cumbersome) Suggest a simple meal instead. up to you people. the cleaning up after BBQ would be shitty. and i dont think anyone of us would be sober enough to clean anyway?

i think your computer kena virus. I receive the same e-mail 18 times from YY. Are you overly sexcited?

i think BBQ is a waste of time.

aiyoh, stupid IMU server.... i didnt' mean to bomb your mail box....

can we just go out for seafood? i think there is a pasar malam there on saturday nite. aiks.. got puasa worr... ok not? or we all can drive to seremban at nite and eat the ketam bakar then come back to PD and hantam kuat kuat the arak. (Malay: Drink till pissed drunk)

I am not sure about this... Please ask the the master chef about it.....

oh ya, i also heard that seremban has nice ketam bakar... but never tried before... Ei, CK, the BBQ place is at the beach or few meters away from the beach? if only it's at the beach then only we'll go for BBQ, ya?

ei, quick quick confirm, whether BBQ or no BBQ, tomorrow i won't be able to check my mail.... let me know..

Why don't we ask for majority...... whether or not do BBQ.... At this last minute, phone call will be the best way to get a quick answer....

can i vote for... hiyoh... i dunno leh... what ever lar... coz out of a sudden, feel lazy pulak..
ok lar, i vote for seremban ketam bakar... ( plz make sure someone knows the place)

FYI; I do not know where or does it ever exist about the KETAM bakar.....

dont worry. I THINK I know. NO BBQ. since so few ppl.

Hi all, Like Gina said, since there is only a few of us, we just eat out...as for the Ketam Bakar thing, can we check with any seremban friends?

Note:
1) Drinks coordinator, I think that water is not necessary as we can boil. The 2 room apartment has complete cooking facilities.

OK- but we still need some cold water before we boil. Takkan lah we wait till drinks to cool down. I will get one 5 litre one. Just in case.

Buy ICE lah..... There is a fridge in the apartment.

2) All purchases please send your receipts to our treasurer Ms. YY for final calculation.

Yes, sir

Yeah, just pass all the bills to me... FYI, i did badly in my math during schooling days...

P/S: I might not be able to join you all for long as I have to attend church the next morning.

What the F*ck??

CK, can we go to church with you??? Gina, CK is playing guitar leh... ( SURPRISE)

What church? Alcohol and Church just don’t go together. (Dejavu!! – An infamous blogger got into senseless trouble because of an irresponsible remark by a phantom reader. Gasp!)


All for Freedom of Speech!

No matter what you guys and gals have fun.

You betcha.

Remember: don't VOMIT all over the place.

We WILL vomit ALL OVER THE PLACE. You have to stay back to make sure we DON'T.

If you VOMIT all over you have to clean up after that....

Make sure you have sufficient dustbins or pails to accumulate the vomit. The last time i remembered - we trashed an apartment in PD Perdana. totally TRASHED.

Ok, those who vomit, plz clean up your own mess. Me n Gina are not going to be the "ah sum" (Cantonese: Maid) again....

no eye see... dun care, ain't going to clean up the mess...

Shit lah. I was hoping someone can assist me in cleaning my puke. It is going to be really shitty this time.

Aiyo.... The simplest solution to the person is going to VOMIT is PUSH them down the balcony. Case Close..... ;p

Push down balcony some more. This is insane.

Wow, CK, the apartment is at which floor ah? make sure it's high enough to kill.

So.. if you read the front page of the papers on Sunday about a pissed drunk moron fell over the balcony accidentally and landed on a cactus bush– it is NOT an accident. The culprit is CK and accomplice, YY.

ANYTHING STRAWBERRY

She Tastes Like Strawberries

Since a few months ago, I’ve been having uncontrollable cravings for strawberries. I am not pregnant (I ain’t no saint, can’t self fertilized). My biological clock is rebelling? Pre-menopause? I hope not.

I think I have tried all kind strawberries related food – Starbucks’ Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino, Strawberry Cake and Tartlets (A bakery in Kepong), McDonald’s Sundae Strawberry, Julie’s Strawberry Love Letters, Cornetto’s Strawberry Ice Cream, Anlene’s Strawberry yogurt, Strawberries dipped in melted brown sugar in a flea market in One Utama (my friend’s stall – get it for free), Strawberry jam.. etc. I know this makes me sound like Bubba in Forrest Gump, babbling the entire list of his mom’s menu on shrimps for a few days.

Perhaps, I can fulfill yet another craving for strawberries during this weekend party.

Serving suggestion:

Half sliced fresh strawberries, top with whipped cream.
Served slowly on a warm body

Someone told me strawberries are aphrodisiac. Hmmmph.

INVITATION TO BOOZE PARTY

One Reason Not To Get Pissed Drunk

There will be a booze party this weekend in Port Dickson – the not-so-regular booze party gang assembling for the second time this year, and most of my friends don’t seemed to be interested. I didn’t know everyone is so bloody health conscious these days. Bummer.

Invitees’ excuses/rejections:

Pilot Boy: Cannot lah. On a standby. (Don’t drink and fly)

Tall Dude: I have a wedding dinner. Postpone lah. Why so last minute?? (We are impromptu people)

Ann: I have a gathering with my hometown friends in KL. (and her hometown is Port Dickson)

New Lesbo friend: Cannot lah. Watching police story with new gf.

The Monk: I am on duty. Sorry. (He doesn’t drink anyway. We just need him there to clean after our puke and make sure we don’t drown in it)

Peter: [no reply] – a guy I flirted with outrageously when he fetched me to Ipoh to attend a wedding dinner. He must have been intimidated by my aggressive approach.

Yabba: Why so far?? Remember we also have another booze session this 24th October. (Last session was on 3rd October) Hope to see you there! (Bloody alcoholic)

Dimples: [no reply] Probably she is now somewhere overseas to search her soul. She is a wanderer. (who still gets lost all the time).

People I am not sure (don't bother) of inviting:

James. He seems pretty content to play walrus-and-pup with his new born son over the weekend. (The father and son look sebijik like a walrus and its pup when they lie on the floor together in front of the tv set)

Vic & Paul. I don’t think they drink? Do they?

Kath. She is in UK, probably pissed drunk NOW in British beer, at a fraction of costs. Beers are dirt cheap there.

Wise friend. He said I can't even behave properly when I am sober.

The six spinsters . If they like healthy organic farm trip, I don’t think they would enjoy this.

The supper gang. They are too mild mannered to handle a semi-wild booze party.

Hhmph… I didn’t know I have so few friends.

Itinerary is as follows: (Tentative)

BBQ at the beach
Booze till we pissed drunk and puke in all available rubbish bins in the apartment (quota – 2 dustbins full of puke per person)
Strip poker (Ladies – from top to bottom. Men – from bottom to top)
Banana Boat ride (Optional – not recommended for people with bad back/ not medically fit)
Skinny Dipping (Please trim your bushes)

It is not going to be a major one. Just a small orgy party for the alcoholics.

Anyone interested, please e-mail me or leave a comment. Looking for 2 more persons, preferably male, and able to haul a woman (who weighs like a beached whale) to the toilet when she is pissed drunk.

SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

After my last post….

Ann: It's not funny. We will think you are dead when you are not funny. I don’t care how you amend it. I leave it up to you. You wanna go home to do it also can. As long as you do it. I don’t care.

Ann the No. 1 fan, Ann the Gym Parole Officer.. Ann, the Irritated (in the movies), Ann, Carrie in Spinster And The City (nobody wants to be Samantha Jones.. so..) and now, Ann the editor. Ann, the Multi Purpose (MP) woman. She was referring to my last post – she said she couldn’t even remember reading it, and told me to AMEND it to make it funnier. Usually my post is peppered with bits of twisted humour and she would remember those tiny bits. Blogging can be really tough. And I am NOT paid to do it.

Am I supposed to be funny all the time?

Now I do remember a good friend telling me not to drink (alcohol) so much. Probably losing sense of humour is one of the many possible drawbacks.

Well, MP Ann.. I guess you have to start your own blog to see how tough this is. Hehehe.

BOSSES FROM HELL

The grass is always greener on the other side

SATC night (No.. not Sex and the City… it is Spinsters and the City)
Cast: Ann (Carrie), Vic (Charlotte), Paul (Miranda) and Self (Sam – I wish!)

At Kim Gary restaurant before a movie, the girls are on a complaining mode..(when are we NOT?)

Self: These days, X’mas boy is a bit edgy. He kept on insisting us to prepare report on analysis on the movement of warrants. Wtf for?? They are worthless. Imagine.. share price is only 12 sen…. What more warrants?? Always doing some ridiculous and non essential stuffs. Not value added.

Ann: Your boss is still not so bad. Guess what mine did?

Three of us: WHAT??

Ann: You know Shakespeare’s study guide book? The one with comments/reference at the side of the book? Mr R actually told poor Has to match the specific words with their meanings by highlighting and writing the meaning next to it.

Vic: Mr R is making Has to improve her English?

Ann: No…. So that Mr R could understand the entire thing with one glance without searching for its meaning on the side.

Self: Christ! He is so f*cking lazy. I thought my boss was bad enough!

Vic: There is this boss who told a fellow colleague to type the entire Bible in Microsoft Word?

Self: GOOD GOD!! They never heard of the internet? They can just download and cut and paste lah!

Paul was blissfully giggled away while all of us complained about our fate of getting bosses from hell. We cast her the puzzled look.

Paul: Mine is not so bad lah… yet!!!

Self: There is this secretarial firm in Chow Kit…

The three of them broke out in laughter.

Self: Hey.. don’t laugh. I haven't finish my story. The boss forces his staff to join his Christian Fellowship every Wednesday to stay employed. My friend resigned after 2 weeks.

Four of us shook our heads in disbelief and decided to talk about other things on a happier note… gossip about another girlfriend’s revival of a scandalous affair with a married man, after she decided to energize her working cubicle with a double happiness symbol.

I think no one could complain enough of their bosses… human can NEVER be satisfied.

Robert Kiyosaki is right. Be on the fourth quadrant: a Business Owner. You don’t have to answer to anyone, only yourself.

FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN THE CINEMA

Take 77.. Action.. CUT!

The Movie: THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

The Director

This group of people is always not satisfied with certain parts of the movie.

When Danny got killed in the power switch room.

Patron 1: How can you kill him there? You could be suspected. Danny was last seen walking into that room with you!! STUPID-nya!

The Commentator/Spokeperson

This group of people would comment/speak just about anything. They would be more than happy to brief you, not only about this movie – but the previous sequels (if any). Besides that, they always have a Q & A session THROUGHOUT the entire movie.

They sound like sports commentators – minus the pay and adoring fans….. or worse… the cinema would turn into a talk show – LIVE.

The Sound Effect Coordinator

When Jason Bourne doused a RM90 Smirkoff Vodka on his shot wounds..

Patron 1: Ouch.. Szzzzzzzz…… *grimacing in pain*

Patron 2: Szzzzzzzz…… aiyoh… Szzzzzzzzzzz *grimacing in pain*

When the car case scene went awry …..

Patron 1: Chhuuutt… Chuuuttt…. Chuuutttt…..*grimacing in agony that Jason smashed the cab*

Patron 2: Chhuuutt… What a waste…. Chuuutttt…..

The Script Writer

This group of people has the tendency to guess what the actors would do or say next.

Jason Bourne on the train.

Patron 1: Wait and see. He would jump off the train.

Patron 2: OoooOOooo… *seemed to be genuinely impressed*

Patron 1: See…. I told you.

Jason Bourne caught Abbott, pants down.

Patron 1: He is going to shoot himself.

Note: Just too bad there’s no reward for correct guesses.

The Irritated

Guess most of the cinema goers are categorized into this group of people. They just get darn irritated when they go to movies with the Director, the Commentator/Spokeperson, the Sound Effect Coordinator and the Script Writer. Patience is put to test whenever you watch movies with the entire movie crew.

Too bad they have banned pirated VCDs.

P.S. Thanks to Paul for the free tix to watch the Bourne Supremacy.

WHERE THOU ART IS THY TOOTH FAIRY?

Braces, anyone?

I brushed my teeth for the third time today, in three months working in this new office. I tried my best to make this a habit. Unfortunately, laziness proved to be much more superior compare to my quest for the perfect teeth.

I haven’t been to the dentist for 5 years until the last visit this Chinese New Year, receiving 5 fillings and one extraction, all at one go. Dr Rocky Lau* also warned me to take extra care of my worst-specimen-for-dentist teeth. It is a good thing he owed my late grandma a great deal of rental that I only paid RM50 for this overhaul-of-the-jaw spree.

My set of teeth has a life of its own. They happily align themselves in their own chaotic bliss. I should have listen to the midwives’ tale: to mind where we throw our teeth once they fall off, in order to determine the way they are to grow back. Heck.. I even have an extra tooth on the lower gum: 17 instead of the normal 16 (for human). My mutated teeth are really disgusting. I think God must have given the lousiest orthodontist the job when He made me. My teeth belong to the house of reject.

Here’s some examples of my friends who would do all they can in the name of the perfect teeth.

My colleague, who just celebrated her 40th birthday this week, has the habit of brushing teeth in office after every meal. She has been brushing for as long as she can remember. Yet, I didn’t see she has sparkling set of white teeth, like they advertise on tv. (Also, nice breath doesn’t guarantee you a boyfriend. :p)

Mae spent about RM3,000/- on braces – I think James needed it more than she does.

I can’t imagine myself having to wear braces. I would be too lazy to cut my food in bite sizes, chew slowly or take extra care while brushing, and spending a bomb on the braces to live a torturing life for at least 2 years. I think I would use dentures when I grow old. I don’t like chewing gum either. So, I gather it won’t pose much threat.

*He likes Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky, hence the name. He has been my dentist since I started teething. I am able to eat fried chicken in 2 hours after extraction of my wisdom tooth.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS OF HOSTING A WEDDING DINNER

Till Death Do Us Part

1. Seating ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends (even if they were only cyber relationships) at the same table together with their respective wives, husbands or potential future partners.

You tend to get the “See-I-got-him-instead-of-you-niah-ha-ha” look from the spouse – the fake smile and uneasy body language, etc.

The mere sight of his wife, being fed by the husband, makes even the non-ex gfs cringed. It was as if, she had lost the use of her hands.

The singles couldn’t flirt openly with other potential mates, to avoid unnecessary bad comments after the dinner.

2. Seating singles/childless couples together with married couples with children who talked about their children and dirty diapers throughout the entire dinner

Do you think couples who cannot bear children or singles who don’t have the slightest idea on having children would want to listen to you brag about how cute/clever your kid is?

3. Arranging blind dates on your wedding day

It is your wedding day. You are not organizing a Cupid’s Club gathering, for goodness’ sake.

4. Leaving the choice of songs to be played throughout the dinner to the non professionals.

You would end up getting the late Theresa Teng’s “Please Return My Unrequited Love”, instead of her other famous song, “The Moon Represent My Heart”.

5. Leaving the microphone to people who inspired to be the next Malaysian Idol.

It doesn’t help if you have a singer who thinks he is Guy Sebastian (minus the Afro Hair) and refuses to come down the stage.

6. Leaving your outstation friends to scout for a place to stay on their own, in YOUR god-forsaken little hometown.

One piece of advice: Do not stay with friends whose house is located totally out-of-civilization in an already totally out-of-civilization hometown. Stay in hotel if you do not wish to be starved to death.

7. Allowing your boxes of liquor/bottles of wine to be managed by your alcoholic friends.

This is the last thing you want on your wedding day. There bound to be a mini booze party way before the dinner starts and getting pissed drunk before the third course. Worse, creating puddles of smelly puke on the floor, making the place looking more like a hospital than a restaurant.

*Thanks to Ann for jointly editing this post.*

Fun Read: TV Smith's 15 reasons why I hate Chinese wedding dinners...

GYM PAROLE OFFICER

Cute Gym Parole Officer

SMS Report

Ann’s car was behind mine on the road. Instead of taking the route to the gym, I went the other way towards home….

Self: Just in case if you think I ponteng (Malay: Skip) gym, I have an insurance appointment today.

I could see Ann grinning cynically from my rear mirror.

In another SMS Report

Ann: How many times you go to gym this week? Twice or once?

Self: Twice.

Ann: Your initial plan is 3 times a week, at least, right? Buck up, friend!!

Self: Yeah. Will try to go this weekend to make the quota of thrice a week.

Ann: Good. Per month must at least 12 times. Dun meet quota then you every sat and sun go la.

Fuh….. I am being controlled by a friend, who think shopping is a strenuous exercise. I am feeling like a participant in a gym-procrastinator anonymous meeting.


Body Step

I have been a regular in Body Step and Body Combat classes – to exercise my entire body instead of only the legs – cross trainer and treadmill is getting a tad too boring.

I miss the Japanese instructor, Riyo. She is so much better compare to the regular instructor she replaced for two weeks. Yesterday was the launch of new tracks. Whatever that means. I didn’t break much sweat – much to my disappointment. Perhaps, after two weeks of blunder on the steps and looking like a kangaroo in boxer’s gloves, my stamina had gradually built up? Sure hope so.

In Riyo’s class, you get to exercise non-stop, choreographed to precision, good music, and every step makes your body work optimally. The next morning you wake up with aching body, which is worth the pain. Guess this is just a psychological effect – the pain makes the body think that it had exercised enough for the entire week – even if you’ve been to gym only once a week. (Ann will kill me for saying this.)

Well.. will be off to Ipoh this weekend for a good friend’s wedding dinner. Have a good weekend ahead, people.


The Torture Chamber

I SAW THE SIGN

Deadlock Dreams

There won’t be any bonus declaration for the staff this year. Staffs were de-motivated and dragged their asses to work. (Actually the ass dragging thingy is already happening, way before the bonus declaration).

Mr Xmas came complaining to me that he might lose his job as the president of corporate. The management has not been paying his salary for 5 months already.

Thank heavens…the above were merely dreams. The first was by Sugar and the second by yours truly.

This doesn’t sound promising.

I have yet to receive the so-called offer letter which would pay more than 50% of what I am earning now. The Pretty Broad thinks I am not keen enough to take up the offer. (I am darn keen on the money, the prospects, the people I am going to meet.. except I am not too keen to work for her).

What do you think? Should I move on?

The new place promises at least 2 months bonus, ample free time (seasonal), an avenue to meet big shots in the corporate world and people who dictate the stock market, challenging and fast moving, etc.

The downside of coz – the Pretty Broad and the office politics (part of the reason I left the corporate world earlier).

Sigh.

I like it here. I really like it here. Despite the silly stuffs that we had to go through everyday. The working dynamics between my immediate superior is amazing. We understand each other. We know how to go about in time of crisis. We share our grief and happiness. It is hard to find such working camaraderie anywhere else, like my second permanent job in a management firm.

I hope I would make the right choice.


Right Choice of Dreams